Reality.

It’s been a while since I last posted. I cannot really come up with any good excuses this time, either. I just get weird around the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s) and withdraw into my brain for the duration. It’s not that I really want to withdraw – most of the time I want to be happy and easy going and full of life, but this time of year, for a variety of reasons, I instead just want to shout “screw you!” to the world.

Now, this moodiness isn’t anything abnormal – it’s happens with regularity just about every year (I’m sorry, People!). I do, think, however, this year was a titch more severe than most (understatement of the year there, by the way, in case you didn’t read the inflected sarcasm). There are a multitude of reasons I get this way. I blame the short daylight hours, the cold, the weather, the general ‘darkness’ which comes with winter; the resulting colds and sniffles which drive me up the wall, the stagnant air in the buildings, the list just goes on and on. And static electricity, definitely cannot forget that one.

Add into that mix the quite over-abundant good holiday cheer and ho-ho-ho’ing that goes on almost non-stop. There are bright lights, cheery sounds, pop-artist-divas screaming out their lungs to ‘Silent Night’, and bells and cash registers everywhere chiming or beeping. Ads on TV proclaiming the year’s MUST HAVE gifts, which require a 2-year 3G network commitment and an arm AND a leg in monthly payments. Screaming kids in stores while you’re standing in line for more than a blink in geologic time wondering again why you’re there. (Parents, you seriously need to take the kid outside before I smack him myself and get arrested for disciplining YOUR child!) And I do wonder. My brain goes on an overdrive of self-reflection and personal world-placement during this already stressful time of the year.

I begin to wonder about my place in the world, the place of others in the world, where I’m heading, where the world is heading. Man, I just take everything into my worrying grasp and stress myself beyond belief. And then I end up here in mid-January still in a funk, tired everyday, eating everything in sight, and complaining about my too-tight pants.

But seriously, my parents raised me quite well in a non-secular household. Christmas was always a time spent with family eating good food and enjoying good company. Gifts were a wonderful bonus and something for me to look forward to. I understood the idea of Christmas (and still do) and believed in Santa Claus. Thanksgiving was also a time of family and good food (I think I see a trend here regarding food).

I remember a bunch of us going to Granny and Poppa Dave’s for these holidays and gathering ‘round – kids being bratty kids, adults partaking in a few glasses of something, and everyone there because we were a very close family. We certainly had our dysfunctions because everyone does on some level, but we still made time for each other. That time…is in memories now.

As an adult child of divorce, things are severely different. Family is now scattered (figuratively) and the closeness that once was, is no longer, nor will it ever happen again. As an adult, it’s harder than I ever imagined, because I never imagined I’d be dealing with this. I think during a divorce as a kid, kids learn to adapt because they don’t know any better. For myself, I was out of college and already living an adult life with some understanding of how adult relationships work. It’s painful to see with understanding loved ones pained and hurt, painful to see household items in two houses, painful to be in the middle of it all. I think this year was the first year that everything finally was real and it hit me hard. The truth is hard to bear when it smacks you squarely in the face. And truth hurts. My truth hurts.

In spite of this all, I still want to celebrate the idea of these holidays. I wish society as a whole would reevaluate the spirit of the holiday season in general. It’s not about the gifts, or the newest, most expensive electronic gadget on the market, or the most popular toy on the shelf. It’s about friends and family. Giving ourselves to each other, giving to those less fortunate than ourselves, and being grateful for what you DO have. I spent too much time this year stressing over what I didn’t have, what I couldn’t give, and not embracing the spirit of the holidays. There was really no spirit for me this year. Hopefully next year I can do a better job of self reflection and see the positive instead of the negative.

I still think screaming kids should be taken outside, traditional songs should be sung in a traditional manner, and blow-up snowmen air lawn ornaments have no place in the office. And since my pants are too tight, I know there was no lack of good food.  :)